Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Hope Lives

Tonight, I stumbled across the following post from To Think is to Create. It has been an emotional roller coaster of a month for me, and I honestly wasn't planning on blogging the details. For just the same reasons Arianne shares in the first paragraph of her post, I sort of swept my feelings under the rug. But reading this brought such a sense of peace and comfort. And Blogland has come be a very comfortable place to be for me. I have learned so much about myself, about life, about faith, about hope. I have learned the stories of others and formed relationships with the most amazing people. Strangers I never would have connected with, but for this silly little blog. And so, I find comfort tonight in sharing this story. She may as well have been writing my story. I would have never found the words to express this so eloquently. I'm still trying to catch my breath, but now I feel some weight being lifted. And I feel hopeful.

***

'Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul- and sings the tunes without the words- and never stops at all.'
-Emily Dickinson

I’ve been reluctant to write this post, not wanting to have to go “there”. Of course there are many things that I don’t share here on my blog, but there are also those things that hover over my soul and get in the way of me writing authentically until I free them from that nagging hover.

Even now as I sit here, staring at the screen, I don’t know where to begin. There are no words, yet I know I have to say them. Have to take steps forward, one at a time. This is one more.

A little over a month ago, I found out I was pregnant. It was a lovely surprise, and my husband and I were immediately enamored and excited and gushing about having 4 kids. Since this is not an announcement post, you can see where this is going…

For 10 days, I was pregnant again. An then just like that, I wasn’t. The miscarriage started when we were out of town, away from the comforts of home and the bed that I wanted to hide under.

I had absolutely no idea I could become so profoundly attached in just 10 short, beautiful days. Ten days is so much time, yet hardly the blink of an eye. Enough time to make plans and imagine life. To fall in love. Just enough time to grieve.

I tested early, and while I’d like to say if I hadn’t tested I wouldn’t have known — I can’t say that. I would have known. Physically, my body was sad and groaning and mourning as it lost the baby. My heart went from broken to numb to broken again.

This was such a hard thing for me, because this whole experience made me clam up and hide away and want to not let one drop of emotion seep out into the real world. In other words, the opposite of how I normally am. I only told a tiny amount of people, many of my good friends will be finding out as they read this now. I can only say that the “what should have been’s” were and are still, unbearable.

All the little things, like seeing sweet young babies, talking about others who are pregnant, everyone but me moving on and forgetting, even getting a pitch in my email that is towards pregnant women and thinking that should be me. The tiny stabs add up.

After all this, I do not despair. The pain is grief, and it’s just been 3 weeks since the loss. What has not been lost, is hope. This experience filled up my heart, overflowed it, then emptied it out so rapidly that my head is still spinning.

And we are so very grateful for
that butterfly, which was a moment for all of us as a family to say goodbye to what we had lost. It lingered enough to give us all love, and then slowly flew away.

21 comments:

Ali said...

Heather-

I am so sorry for your loss. I will never, ever, forget how hard that experience was for me to go through. For we mamas - the moment we learn that there is this little life within, we are in love with that child. I hope that if more children is the true desire of your heart, that you will be blessed with that in the perfect time! I will pray for that for you. Have grace for you...there will be tough days. There will be tearful days and numb days and days that it just does not seem fair that people who smoke while pregnant have healthy babies. (I'm just saying) I send you a big hug.
Ali

mel said...

Oh Heather, I am SO sorry for your loss. :( Your post brought tears to my eyes, as I had 2 miscarriages (before we had Kate). The pain & loss is so real that you are going through. I know that there are no words that will make you feel better, but just know you are not alone & I will be praying for you as you go through this journey.
P.S. I have a book that helped me process my 2nd miscarriage, it is called "Free to Grieve" written by a female Christian author. Email me if you want it, I would be happy to give it to you.

forever folding laundry said...

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. A few years ago I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and it was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. It *will* get easier, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with now. For me it did help to talk about it, because so many women have been there.

I hope you are able to find comfort in the upcoming days, weeks, and months.

~Keri

kkmom said...

Heather, as you know that I know that i am saddened by your loss. I am glad and relieved that you posted this on your blog. We all need to be able to talk things through to heal and I know at this stage you are on your way to healing emotionally. Just know that you are not the only one out there, it is not your fault, God just seems to have other plans for you. DO not get discouraged to try again...when you are ready. If you are wanting 4.
Love always,
KK

Katie said...

I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same thing before I got pregnant w/Grace, except MY feelings were different from yours. I was so upset that I WAS pregnant! I did not want to be at the time. I slowly got used to the idea after the second day of finding out, started planning, telling family & friends, you know... excitement! Then a week later boom! bleeding, cramps, go to the Er & they could not find a heartbeat. I was praying for another little one to be in there, but was not. I had never felt so guilty, hurt, upset in my life!!! It was one of the hardest things I ever went through, but a month later I was pregnant w/my sweet Gracie. Hold onto your hope & know that you are not alone for you have a sweet little angel by your side each & everyday watching over you! I have the charm necklase with the little kids & their birthstones included in that I added a little angel right were it belongs. I will keep you in my prayers. I am not going to lie, it will be hard, but you will be happy again:) xo

~ Lisa @ AbidingThere~ said...

I'm so sorry, Heather. Thank you for trusting us with your sadness. xo

Bethany said...

I am so sorry for what you must be feeling right now. I have never been in your shoes, but as a mama, I can imagine the pain and sadness.

I hope each day brings you a bit more peace and comfort.

Thinking of you!

Aurora said...

Oh Heather, I am SO sorry! That post brought me to tears. I can't even imagine what you are going through, but me heart goes out to you.

Lindsey said...

Sending lots of love to you. Here whenever - if ever - you need me.

Laura said...

I think putting your feelings out there is the beginning of a healing process.

Yup. Add me to the list of women who have had miscarriages. It IS an emotional roller coaster. It IS sad, and hard. Just reconfirms to me that a baby IS a LIFE...even at 10 days, 4 weeks, 6 weeks, ONE day old...it is a LIFE. And it hurts us so much to lose that.

There is a bigger plan for you that you are unaware of...keep the faith, pray, and hold those beautiful kids of yours.
I am so sorry.
You will be in my prayers...
xo
Laura

Laura said...

http://everythingbytwos.blogspot.com/2009/07/sad.html

someone to talk to? thought of you.
xo

adrienne said...

what courage to share this...both of you.

thanks for opening and allowing us all to be what(i believe)we should...one human family.

may you find peace.

Trish said...

sending you hugs, since words cannot express the feelings!

Mimi said...

How did I get so lucky to have you for a daughter? We share a bond of inner strength that comes from above. I am very proud of you and am so thankful for each and every minute I have shared with you. Even when we had to spend many late hours laying out your perfect outfits before school each night, Hair accessories, jewelry and all.
Mom

Jessica said...

You shared your feelings so eloquently. I'm sad for your loss and am praying for you.

Weza said...

Hi, I am so thankful that Laura thought to put us in touch. Your post is beautiful. Really well put. I too am sad, I want to hide away. Yet I also want to pretend that I am ok. I feel a range of emotions right now, and I go from 'all good' to sad in the blink of an eye.
Life keeps going, my children need to be fed, bathed, entertained. Today I will venture out to mainly music. Where just last week we announced our pregancy. I think I will be ok. I hope i will be ok.
It would be really nice to keep in touch.
Praying for you.
xxx L

Dani said...

I'm so very sorry...

Heather :: Angel Face Designs :: said...

Heather, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

Big hugs,
Heather

Kristen said...

Oh, Heather, I am just now seeing this. I am so so sorry. I can definitely relate. I know the pain can be overwhelming. I hope God gives you a peace that exceeds understanding!

Sarah said...

Just now am reading this post. Don't know how I missed it before.
I know that the words "I'm sorry" don't help and don't really heal a broken heart. There really should be better words for comforting someone.
But, I am sorry to hear it, my hurt aches for you. I would hug you if I were there...
I will pray for you and your husband,
for peace and hope for the future.

Darin, Jenn and Ivy said...

I got on the computer to go to an Eddie Ross tutorial and somehow ended up here. I know its been a little bit, but your posting this then is helping me now. So thanks.